Musical Insanity

[Charlie Nine]

[22AUG2014]


Buck E Cheddar’s was the low brow answer to mass marketed entertainment for children, a box-like structure on the cheaper fringe of New Haven that boasted a flashing sign (that only half worked) depicting a cartoon beaver in shoes made of cheese wedges. It’s interior was packed with cheap games and worn out attractions; it was dotted with tables and food dispensaries throughout, all serving up over baked pizzas threatening to lose half their cheese before it ever touched a plate. Bad carnival music clashed with innocuous pop favorited where quadrants met, the irritating mash-up rising over the steady din of jabbering and screaming children. The place was like the Mecca for pre-pubescent revelry.

For Charlie, the only thing more excruciating was Korean soap operas.

It wasn’t the type of place he’d ever have gone to willingly. Ever. But when Jin Chae had batted her eyelashes and given him a high wattage grin and asked him to keep her company at a birthday party for the child of her work friend Sharia (Jen had punched him in the gut when he kept calling her Shaquonda), he had still been set to deny her. A reminder of past transgressions involving KC and a certain television program was the deciding factor, tipping the scale (and his acquiescence) in the pretty blonde’s favor. KC’s eventual arrival, in all of her loud and obnoxious glory, made it all that much better.

For the first hour, he contented himself in alternating between playing the parts of a wallflower and Jen’s shadow, the subtle tilt of his chin showing a small modicum of genuine interest at varying times but never for long. The ball pit had been a source of some curiosity, especially when she had threatened to re-enact a moment from some movie and kick him into it. It was worth a smile.

The mirth, however genuine, didn’t last long after that.

The altercation started as little more than a heated argument, almost beneath notice, when one of the party’s mothers took umbrage to some disparaging words from another. He wouldn’t even have cared had KC’s boisterous involvement hadn’t dragged Jen in the mess. Within the span of a few minutes, the diminutive fake blonde was staring across a dirty table at a whale-like caucasian mess of pink curlers, too-red lips, and flowered purple mumu. It was almost amusing to watch until a nearly spent cigarette was flicked at the asian girl and she was suddenly very interested it taking her earrings off.

None of them saw Charlie’s eyes narrow or the thin smile that curled up the corners of his mouth. The subtle side-to-side rock could have been missed, even when he gently nudged his companion out of the way.

He just barely dipped back when the large ham hock of a fist was swung his way, belligerent.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Charlie said, surprising both ready-to-pull-a-weave Chaes and stopping any retaliation against the woman cold when the words came out bassy; sing-song.

“Nuh? What you gonna do about it, pretty boy?” The fat woman drew back again, ready for another swing. “Gonna protect your little ho?”

He smiled wider. “I’m protecting you from her. She is the scrapper, not me.”

“Then what s’at make you?”

“The diplomat.” She never saw him pick up the sturdy metal napkin holder. No one did.

Not until it was too late.

Both the receptacle and the fat woman’s face crumpled inward from the blow, teeth and blood flying before she even began to collapse backwards on her prodigious backside. A stunned silence reigned.

“Anyone else care to take a swing at myself or my companions again?”

The entire room exploded into chaos, a trashy fury of flying fists and kicks; a storm of violence and a singing Charlie at it’s eye.


My, my, my music hits me so hard
Makes me say "Oh my Lord"
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet
It feels good, when you know you're down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch

I told you homeboy (You can't touch this)
Yeah, that's how we living and you know (You can't touch this)
Look at my eyes, man (You can't touch this)
Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics (You can't touch this)

Fresh new kicks, advance
You gotta like that, now you know you wanna dance
So move, outta your seat
And get a fly girl and catch this beat
While it's rolling, hold on
Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's going on
Like that, like that
Cold on a mission so fall them back
Let 'em know, that you're too much
And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch

Yo, I told you (You can't touch this)
Why you standing there, man? (You can't touch this)
Yo, sound the bell, school is in, sucka (You can't touch this)

Give me a song, or rhythm
Make 'em sweat, that's what I'm giving 'em
Now, they know
You talking about the Hammer you talking about a show
That's hype, and tight
Singers are sweating so pass them a wipe
Or a tape, to learn
What's it gonna take in the 90's to burn
The charts? Legit
Either work hard or you might as well quit

That's word because you know...

You can't touch this
You can’t touch this
You can’t touch this

Break it down! (Music breaks down) Stop, Hammer time!

Go with the funk, it is said
That if you can't groove to this then you probably are dead
So wave your hands in the air
Bust a few moves, fun your fingers through your hair
This is it, for a winner
Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner
Move, slide your rump
Just for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump

Yeah... (You can't touch this)
Look, man (You can't touch this)
You better get hype, boy, because you know (You can't touch this)
Ring the bell, school's back in (You can't touch this)

Break it down! (Crazy bridge) Stop, Hammer time!

You can't touch this
You can’t touch this
You can’t touch this
You can’t touch this

Break it down! (Nice pants, Hammer) Stop, Hammer time!

Every time you see me
The Hammer's just so hype
I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic
Now why would I ever stop doing this?
With others making records that just don't hit
I've toured around the world, from London to the Bay
It's "Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo Hammer"
And the rest can go and play

You can't touch this

You can’t touch this

You can’t touch this

You can’t touch this…



By the time the Watch had arrived and everything was sorted, someone had to fish Buck E. the mascot out of the ballpit, dazed and missing one of his big fake beaver teeth.

Charlie, KC, Jen were subsequently banned from the establishment for life...


(( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCpCn0l4Wo ))