This Business About The Wards

[Tara]

You People,

I have a legitimate question which I believe warrants some investigation and dialogue. I am very interested in what you all have to say so please do not be shy despite what you are about to read which may suggest I feel otherwise. Say how you feel and if I disagree with you, I promise not to cut off your eyelids and/or sew your eyes open and plant you out in a field in the baking, midday sun. Although, I would be lying if I said I would not find that thoroughly amusing.

As most of you know, the esteemed Kalamere Ar'Din, whom I refer to as my "black wizard", is one of your enemy combatants in the circular contraption games you all think up and take part in. But, he's also a champion! Not in your arena, but in mine. Well, not really mine. I do not own it. Not as of this writing. But one day I shall!

Anyway, he participates in a series of infernal tournaments that go by names such as "The Choosing", "The Reaping" "The Tears of Many" and my personal favorite, "The Reckoning." And, not only does he participate but he has managed to win a few trophies as well thus shocking the proverbial you-know-what (as Blockhead would say) out of pretty much all of us who have come to watch. Because he's not really a wizard, even though I want him to be one very badly, but an elf. Or, at least I think he's an elf. My bestest friend in the whole world, Jewelsie, is dating him and you'd think I would know what the guy is because of that but truth be told, I really don't care.

Not that I do not care about Kal, I do. I mean come on, it's Kal. He's hot and when you look at him if you are NOT turned on, it is my firm belief you're not only blind but impotent as well. The man is a walking marvel of evolution and if you don't want to get with that BECAUSE of that, you're insane.

Right. So.

I just don't care if he is an elf or a human or as I like to refer to you all, a meat-puppet. It does not matter to me is what I am saying.

What does is that he goes up against immortal creatures (like God Simon HI GOD SIMON HIIIIIIIII!) who are capable of wiping him out with just a thought and manages to survive AND wow the crowd with his skill. I mean they love this guy. He's got entire legions of demons on his side and most of them don't even know who he is! But they know what he represents.

Fun Times.

These tournaments are really the greatest thing we demons ever invented save for karaoke and maybe backgammon.

So it is with that in mind, the totally awesomeness of it all, that I wonder why in the hell you people tolerate the depressing "sport" you all partake in here that does not have consequences such as death to the loser like it does in mine.

I know I am probably in the minority here when I say that many of you are just pointlessly existing. I almost want to say that some of you seem to be doing so just to spite the rest of us who feel we would be much better off without you around.

And I know I have gone on record saying that I want you all to survive but, well, let me digress a moment and perhaps you will see what I'm driving at.

Take Rena as an example.

WHY IS SHE HERE?

Can anyone answer that? Honestly? Without laughing?

This is a woman, changeling, whatever the hell she is, that sits in a chair, night after night, drinking water that has been rained down over a bean or two, collecting dust and whose ENTIRE vocabulary consists of the words, "Really?" and "Please don't do that, Tara." The only reason I have not forgotten about her thus far is because I sometimes trip over her, sitting there, like a statue. Watching her, stare off into space as she does, I’m always on edge because I cannot figure out, for the life of me, if she IS doing something and just NOT telling us and letting us in on WHAT exactly that “something” is or if she’s going to snap and do something insane like smile at someone else.

I have entire sequences of nightmares where she is just smiling, without an end in sight, and I am screaming the entire time.

I've tried engaging her in conversation, tried to get her to put more effort in her appearance and to be more lively but I have failed.

Would it NOT be MORE fun if we were to put her in a ring with, say, a fire wraith and see what comes of it? Would she NOT be suddenly more interesting if she were to somehow MIRACULOUSLY survive that?

And think of the SWARMS of crowds that would inevitably follow if she were to walk away unscathed?

I know you are all fond of making shirts with tiny sleeves to commemorate certain events around here and certain individuals. Think of what those articles of clothing might say if she were to pull that off and all the money we could make off her!

"ARCH WITCH ESCAPED DEATH BY FIRE BATH! YOU CAN BE USELESS TOO AND LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"

But, no, let's continue to let her steal our oxygen and chase away the remaining male population with how utterly boring she is because that makes sense in your heads. Like letting Gren be your OverTwerp.

(Bane, if you are reading this, please consider coming back. We do have interesting women here. Rena does not speak for the rest of us, when she does manage to speak.)

I would like to know whose bright idea it was to install those wards? Is that what you all call them? In the rings so as to prevent brutal and punishing deaths of those found wanting in their dismal performances in same.

Who thought THAT would be a crowd-pleaser?

Do any of you have a sense of humor?

Now I know they say you shouldn't knock something until you try it and that I do not participate in an official sense around here and shouldn't really say how I feel but I am going to anyway. I do see where my comments might ruffle a few feathers and piss most of you off but I am really trying to help you all.

I also don't necessarily want to see Rena die but should any of you agree with me, I would GLADLY provide the requisite number of fire wraiths necessary TO eliminate her, beyond all recognition and doubt, all without cost to any of you.

It'll be a freebie.

Everyone loves those. Even Rena.

Just think about it is all I am saying.

Give death a chance.

Sincerely,


Tara Rynieyn
Meat-Puppet Enthusiast & Pyromaniac

[Delahada]

Tara,

My love.

You gorgeous creature.

Rena usually sits on the table.

Just saying.

Your 7th (I think) boyfriend,

- Sal

[Tara]

Twinkle,

See this is precisely the kind of lunacy I'm talking about! Why is she sitting ON the table now?! When did she start doing that?! Has she morphed into a feline without any of us noticing? Was she ALWAYS one and we just didn't take the time to put two and two together? What funny business is that Arch Witch up to? That's what I want to know.

It is not enough that she has all but dried up my most favorite of revenue streams by scaring the bejesus out of every single new man that walks into town, now she's smearing her dead skin cells all over places where I might like to eat!

I was once heavily criticized for giving birth to my son Marius on a table in the Red Dragon Inn (an event I'd like to remind some Neanderthals around here that can neither be planned NOR prevented!) but she parks her duff on one and suddenly it's okay?!

This has to stop.

The blank, vacant staring at people has to stop.

The slavish devotion to this minimalist personal appearance philosophy has got to stop. I mean for Pete's sake, she doesn't even own a brush! I was considering getting her one for Christmas but then it dawned on me that having never used one she might mistake it for a weapon and start hitting people with it.

And then you'd all blame me because I'm this town's scapegoat. Always have been.

The only way Rena's hair will change is if someone rips it out of her skull by the root or she comes down with the mutant unicorn virus and it all falls out because the doctors in this town are more concerned with treating hangovers for the drunken meat-puppets than finding a cure to a devastating disease I am personally terrified of even if I cannot actually contract it.

Which will just start a new round of nightmares for me because I cannot even fathom what a bald Rena might look like. And she's not a bad looking woman! But no makeup AND no hair? No thanks! So it's in my best interests she stay hairy.

I even tried to give her pointers, get her a boyfriend, but that failed when I noted that Bane was more interested in protecting the bomber jacket he came in with than actually paying attention to what little words eked out of that coffee chute that would otherwise be Rena’s mouth if she used it for something other than drinking that bean juice.

Because aside from being boring, she's a klepto.

Yeah, she is. Don't try to deny it. I saw that panicked look in Bane's eye when she got a little too close to that jacket.

Never in all my years have I seen a man so protective over his clothing in the company of a female. Usually men do everything they can to take their clothes and that of their respective partner's, OFF.

But not Bane!

That poor boy threw that jacket around his shoulders and legged it for the hills where I am convinced he is cowering in a cave, drawing on the walls in chalk for comfort.

Haven't seen him since.

We probably never will. But fifty years from now when some kids happen upon that cave, they'll find his drawings and there will be lengthy discussions of some "ancient" race of beings that supposedly lived here before the rest of us and meanwhile it was just a terrified guy looking for love in all the wrong places.

Breaks my heart, it truly does. Great looking guy, great personality, not the BEST fighter (but, hey, you win some you lose some, huh?) now rendered mute and missing because of HER.

And while we're on the subject, you're no longer my seventh boyfriend but my fourth behind Gren who is third and who I am most unhappy to admit, is considered a "hostage" since he refuses to clarify our status and says I trick him all the time.

Earlier this week (because I am NOT greedy) I tried to set him up with that cutie Hope, thinking the two would hit it off and instead he segued into an hour-long rant about how I had killed "again" and ruined the entire guild system of Rangers, that I didn't even know EXISTED, all because their boss guy happened to drop dead at my feet and I was elected to be his replacement.

That's right, I'm the new Supreme Park Ranger Overlord now (suck on that, Blockhead), a thankless and grueling job I did not ask for but when a man keels over into some rose bushes in front of you while you're eating a Fantail Shrimp from Chen's Wok Hut (I definitely recommend it! The dim sum are OUT OF THIS WORLD!), and some people say you're the new boss, you kinda have to rise to the occasion, you know?

Anyway, that's that.

I am eager to learn what everyone else has to say on this matter because if by setting her on fire I manage to get her to get up and move (even if it's to run to the water trough to put herself out) than I will have succeeded in making her burn more calories in one sitting (literally) than she has throughout her collective dusty existence.


- Supreme Ranger Dark Queen, Out.

[Bane]

A message, written with what appears to be a black chalk, is posted up near the others. It is unsigned.


Removing the wards is a bad idea.

[G]

My Wizardly created signature is about all I have to say on the subject of removing wards or offing Rena. (Guessing that's what this is about. Sorta confusing, really.)

[Spell]

WARDS ARE FOR BABIES!

ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH ME IS OBVIOUSLY A TROLL!

I call dibs on any dead bodies. This is a legal contract as the laws of "dibs" states that the first to call dibs gains access to said person, place, or thing which has been dibbed.

[Arthour]

I am very sure I am not a troll. Most trolls don't take baths, for instance, and live under bridges.

- Arthour.

[Tara]

To my Second Bestie in the Whole Wide World EVARRRRRRRR!!! Jesse (others and unidentified Chalk Writer),

I'm having a little trouble understanding the consensus here because you're either writing in languages I do not understand or you're just not telling me what I want to hear.

But I THINK I got the gist which is:

Everyone wants Rena dead but they are NOT sure trial-by-fire-wraith/possible-extinguishment-via-w ater-trough is the proper way to go? And something about the wards remaining intact?

I hope I got that right.

And, hey, listen, if any of you are concerned about me observing her religious rituals prior to expiration, please let me say right now I have EVERY intention of honoring those, whatever they may be.

Even if, as I suspect, that would include my shaving her from head to toe (Sweet Lesser Goddess Koy, just writing that terrifies me), howling at the two moons and/or praying to whatever God of Silence she obviously worships.

Okay!

I feel good about this.

Thank you for making your voices heard! I'm going to go call Henry, down in Circle Two and ask him to prep the wraiths and if anyone sees Rena after you read this, I would appreciate it if you would detain her until I get there with a net and some chloroform.

- Gren Blockman's Ranger Queen, out.