Not Strong Enough

[Jackson]

In endless night I sat. Currently on a bed, in a mostly empty room. Save for a bed, and other things such as chairs. Just sitting on it holding a paper. It being a eviction notice. Something that caused me to chuckle.
“I am paying rent so I wonder what legal base she can evict me on……..” I said as I sat there. Only for a sound that stabbed a dagger straight into my heart, a sound I’ve been dreading all day.
“Knock, knock.”
“Hey Jackson, can I come in?” That voice, that damn voice. It just drove the dagger deeper….. taking a deep breath I simply said.
“Hey Myra, you can come in.”
So through the door of what used to be our bedroom she came. Wearing her usual dress, but all it took was one look at my face for her to notice something was wrong. So she automatically came to my side, and looked down at me….. looking at me with those damn caring eyes.
”What is wrong Jackson? Are you ok?” God those words hurt, just hearing the care in her voice. It made this all the more painful.
“…..We… need to talk Myra.”
She looked at me genuinely confused, and worried. Wondering what is wrong, or going on.
”Uh sure, what do we need to talk about?”
A breath.
“I want you to know that you have done nothing wrong, and that you’re a wonderful person Myra. You genuinely deserve a great, and happy life.” Myra was now just confused, just looking at me, and asking.
“What do you mean Jackson?” Was I crying? No that couldn’t be, why would I be crying? Well then why are there tears streaming down my face.
“…….Myra, you deserve someone who can make you happy… someone who can keep you safe…”
I took in a pain breath, my voice cracking, and my heart aching.. knowing I have to do this.
“Everyday you spend with me you risk dying. People want me dead…… and I’m willing to bet some might hurt you……….” This next bit is the part that will hurt the most to admit, but I had to.
“I…… I might hurt you…”
Myra may be new to this type of stuff, but she knew what this meant, and she was so confused.*
”What do you mean? You wouldn’t hurt me, and you can keep me safe. You’re a hero right? You can fight.” I now looked directly into her eyes, just letting her see the anguish in them.
“You aren’t looking at that hero Myra… you’re looking at a broken man who’s finally seeing the writing on the wall. People are going to come after me, and everyone I care about……. Even if they don’t I might hurt you……… I’m not a hero Myra, I’m a weapon. I can’t even understand how I feel, and I’m barely able to cling onto my sanity……. I don’t want to admit it…. But it’s only a matter of time before I snap……… and I can’t live with myself if I knew there was a chance that I would hurt you….” The tears were now streaming down my face, so Myra did the only thing she thought would help. She hugged me, only forcing the daggers deeper into my heart.
”No! You’re not a weapon! You’re a good man, and you can fight! I know you can fight!……. Please Jackson, you don’t need to give up.” Each word only drove the daggers deeper, but not nearly as deep by the action I took next. I shoved her away, breaking the hug.
“No I’m not Myra. I’m just a man doing his best to prolong his fate… I didn’t want to admit it, but in the end I’m slowly losing myself. Everyday it gets harder to understand how I feel…….. just slowly losing my emotions….. the voices are getting louder, and there’s only so much a man can take Myra……. I……. I don’t even know if I love you…….” Those last few words, those are what did me in. The tears now pouring, and my heart just snapping…. I truly don’t know if I did love her, I want to say I do, but am I? Or am I just in love with the hope she gave? The hope that I could get better, the hope that I could win?
“I…. I want to say that I love you, but I don’t know…….. I think I am, but am I? I am just falling back Myra, I was just like this with Jessica….. I thought I loved her, but in the end I was just in love with what she did to me…… all it ended with was me doing things……. I…. I can’t do it again…… I’m sorry Myra……. But……. We… we are no longer together…. I….. I am breaking up with you….”
Myra was just standing there shocked as she listened to me. Tears forming in her eyes, hearing the man she loved admit he was broken. That he knew his days were numbered.. that he might not even love her.
“No… I… why?… why are you giving up? I don’t get it…. You have never given up…… we can fix this…. Ya! You say you can’t but I know we can!….. come on! Let’s go find someone to help you! I know there’s someone who can help! There has to be!” Myra said frantically as she rushed to me, and grabbed my hand. Trying to pull me off the bed, just trying to give me hope. Not knowing it’s a lost cause.
“Myra please….. don’t make this hurt more than it has to.” I said as I pulled my hand back, my voice just broken. Looking up to my former lover with broken eyes…. Her own eyes were desperate, and confused. Just not understanding that I’m just human, that her hero was just a man, and that he can only take so much.
”Jackson…. We can get help.. we have to………. I….. I don’t want you to leave…… you’re strong…… you have to be.” Tears were streaming down her face as she spoke to me, each word hurting more than any bullet could.
“…… I’m not Myra, that’s what you need to understand…. I thought I found my happy ending, but Mira was right. Things like me don’t get happy endings, I don’t want to hurt you Myra. So please, just accept that I’m not the man you fell in love with…. He was strong, and full of hope… I’m just a shell Myra, a shell who might kill everyone he loves.”
Myra just couldn’t handle this, she was indeed not looking at the man she fell in love with. Tears were streaming down her eyes, and hurt. Not able to handle seeing her hero, the man who saved her from herself break..
“Myra, if you love me then I want you to be strong. I couldn’t be strong for myself, or for you. So please, be strong for yourself, live the happy life I could never live….. live for me Myra, be happy for me.” With both of our hearts broken I simply got up, and took Myra’s shoulder with my left hand, and guided her to the bed. Sitting down the breaking woman, just looking at me sad, and confused eyes. Only nodding to me, knowing that she needs to be strong for me, and for herself…. Just wishing, wishing she could have saved me from myself like I saved her….. when she was on the bed simply crying into her hands I decided to leave her there. No longer wanting to see her in pain, my heart already broken. Just pushing my way out the door, tears streaming down my face as I left my former lover behind.