For Nostalgia's Sake! - From Sea to Sea

[Reiko Souma]

Mischief. It's a form of behaviour and can be quite fun. Ah, but that's just putting it lightly with what I like to do. Or rather, what I enjoyed doing. I never realised that I would come to enjoy using the word "quiet" so much. Any word, I just didn't think there would be enjoyment in using. When it comes to the Rhy'din locals, they sure are superstitious! People cringe and frown at the mention of it. They don't even speak the word, lest they fear some form of chaos. It's best known as "the 'q' word."

Could anything be done to reverse this? I would be a fool to even entertain the thought of changing settled minds. It would be like trying to talk me out of wanting to see my parents again. Harsh that they had been to me, that's exactly why I want to see them again. I want them to hear my anguish as I unleash twenty years of stored-up pain. Anger at the physical aspect, grief at having been abandoned...everything.

I really do have this sneaking suspicion that I'm being watched by Gaia. A tiny light and a lens at the upper corner of each room isn't just there to grace it with decorative pieces. That light just have to belong to a camera. I'm being watched, for sure...no paranoia attached. I'll try to talk to Andu about it sometime.

Right now, there are bigger problems on my hands. Something about chocolate and caffeine...I might have had too much of it. Okay, so I definitely had too much of it. How do I know? For starters, I have no recollection of Friday apart from what I saw on the video that Gaia played when I woke up yesterday morning. Those brownies and hot chocolate, though...that sale at the Tomes was so irresistible! Those snowflakes had to get done as well...well, now I have a quarter short of a thousand ready to be painted. I think there will be more than enough for every orphan, including those at the West End. Especially those in the West End.

The "talk" really didn't go as planned...really? A journal?! I have to keep a bloody journal of everything I'm eating and tempted to eat before I eat, and the reason for it?! Hell no! That hunger strike could last me an easy nineteen days.

After writing this much, Reiko stands from her chair and moves away from her desk. On a wall above her desk is a large dartboard, and a ten-dart set sits at one corner of her desk. Those darts are retrieved, and she steps far back from her desk. Target practise! Reiko aims for one number at a time and throws. Once she runs out of darts, she lays on her bed and bursts into tears. Chewbacca comes to the crying woman and comforts her, purring and nuzzling her. He eventually serves as her neckliner and warms her up as she falls asleep, where he then curls up on her chest where her heart is.

Two hours later, Reiko wakes up and resumes writing. This time, she opts for writing from her bed instead of her desk. It should be noted at this point that the woman is indeed on a hunger strike and hasn't eaten anything since Andu handed her the journal. Reiko is opting to not eat until her 'Big Brother' either stops the journal-keeping or the year ends, whichever comes first. This is a dangerous game that she's playing, remembering her anaemia. Taking extra iron pills to compensate did the lack of food wouldn't do nary a thing to provide the nutrition that she needs. Water is all that she was going to drink.

Andu, Ember, and I decided to go to the Yule Ball together, although none of us actually had dates at the time. Well, once I was done humming peanuts at Andu from the rafters and then vomiting from the anxiety I experienced about whether I would see Bond or not. Icer ended up braving the Stew in the kitchen...and ate some! How?! I don't even want to know...

...I'm just grateful that my night got better. Dare I say it? Holy bloody chaos of Fate! That crowd...I'm not exactly tall like some of the locals here are. I'm just two clicks over a metre and a half in height and standing against a wall that had many people nearby. How I was found so easily and my arm raised visible around these tall people, I don't know. It must be a special talent of Bond's.

So, we danced. None of us expected Buster to stow away somewhere and go after the food, though! Oh Buster...I do hope that your black hole of an appetite will shrink soon. I worry for the day where you'll one day expand to be three times the size of your siblings. We can't have that, now can we?

My heart fluttered at the words spoken in conversation. I meant every word that was spoken and truly believe that Bond did as well. He has my appreciation, and my heart, in spades. Warmth fills me at the very thought.

My thoughts, and my emotions, need to be in better check. Then again, what happened after would have been avoided if not for my somehow losing my late mother's hair clip. I really don't know how it managed to slip free of my partial braided fishtail without me noticing. It was clipped rather securely over my hair elastic, or so I thought. Wrong. With help from Moneypenny and Andu searching the floor by the buffet table, I was reunited with it. My rubies on white gold bracelet is no longer alone either.

Right. My thoughts and my emotions; that's where I was going with this. All I wanted to do was show that I could move two napkins! That didn't go as planned; the entire stack flew off of the table and scattered onto the floor. Worse, the Governor saw and watched me embarrass myself further when I got upset and apologised. All of this tired me right out to where I ended up falling asleep on the floor. My last memory of that night? Governor talking to me about my telekinesis and making sure I got back to Gaia safely.

Why do I keep on getting into one thing or another? I don't like this, not when it's bad or just negative altogether. Two days after Hope Jubal questioned me about someone starting fires, I found the person I was questioned about at the Inn and prayed so silently to Fate that she wouldn't tell anybody about the gun magazine that someone had given to me. Hey, I like those plastic guns that can fold up like a wallet, all right? Plastic guns with plastic bullets aren't designed to be lethal, and I can shoot them at my dartboard whenever I need a break from throwing my darts.

I already know where my buying that gun would go, though: lockup, along with my other weapons. Any day would be nice for getting those back, by the way, where I can keep them in my own lockup on a high shelf.

At this point, Reiko is shaking her head and her writing hand is starting to get sore. This is the longest she's sat down to write, but that's because she hasn't been at Gaia for days. She is actually writing this lengthy entry from the Palazzo Estate, where Chewbacca has been keeping the woman in very good company since she retrieved him. Now at her second time rising, this becomes Reiko's second time going to her bed and curling up to cry herself to sleep with her tribble by her side as well. The rest of this entry is written after she wakes up a few hours later.

On a more positive note, Shourim nearly ripping me a new one for my hunger strike aside, I woke up from my lengthy nap on time to catch word of a wedding. I'd been formally invited to witness Rachael's and Ian's wedding. We've barely seen each other before then, but I was asked to stand behind the bar that night. What a pleasant surprise to have teamed up with a former bartender! Taking this as an opportunity to learn more about my upcoming promotion, I welcomed it. It felt wonderful to present the wedding cake as a gift to the newlyweds after I spent the entire ceremony crying.

My silent tears were full of mixed emotions. Happiness should always have room in them, and there was. I've not witnessed a wedding in Rhy'din before and was pleasantly surprised to find that it wasn't really different from the traditional American ceremony on Terra. Seriously, what a relief. It would have been more than a little bit embarrassing to have to ask some fast questions about etiquette in new traditions, just minutes before the ceremony. On that note, I masked embarrassment over my tears for another reason: I had gotten married at the Inn six and a half years ago. Dear Fate, I pray for Rachael and Ian to have a far better marriage than Shade and I did. That my last name hasn't been Hellfire since 2010 should tell anyone who remembers that day how my marriage went...alas, I shall have to present the newlywed couple with a more proper gift to accompany the cake and the topper with the first letter of their last name on top.

I wish I could freeze time, or at least slow it down drastically, to enjoy the chance of celebrating Rachael and Ian longer. It's impossible. I know this. There's no interrupting the flow of time just to grant a wish. I get it. Can't I dream, though? Come on...I wouldn't have fainted whilst drinking Carnivore Soda, Falcon and Anya wouldn't have had to tend to me on a chair by the hearth, and I wouldn't have been practically force-fed iron supplements and sustaining food.

It went to the sun, Fate! Since yesterday, I really don't think Andu has been the same. He barely talks to me. He barely acknowledges me these days. Was my personal crime, so to speak, so heinous against him that I deserve such a punishment? Apparently so, if my sarcasm led to him getting pissed with me. It was either calm sarcasm laced with annoyance, or somebody gets punched out once I recovered my strength. I took to the former...and now I'm writing this lengthy entry from the Palazzo Estate.

I had to get away. I needed to. But, I still attended my lesson with Toby and do my exercises. Even if I wanted to - and believe me, I don't - there's no getting out of them here. After the lesson with Toby...Hell no! I'd rather watch paint dry than even think about skipping anymore exercises, or try demonstrating my telekinesis again! What the Hell!

Did he really have to move that napkin like a butterfly?! Ugh!!! Thanks for the nightmares of butterflies disintegrating in front of me!!! That's all I really needed...only now I'm having dreams of a different sort as well. Bloody Hell! I'd had these dreams before on occasion, though...I barely dream. Or, I barely remember any of the dreams that I have. I'm pretty sure I've seen this before...

"Two feet are walking through a forest. That's all I see. My feet; they're my feet. From the looks of them, I'm seven years old and have been walking through this dense forest for some time. These feet are barefoot; they're all I can see up to my knees with an obvious white cotton nightgown to adorn.

"Zooming out reveals that I am scared, and I am shivering. Both of my arms are crossed. I look like I am lost. To be honest, I feel very lost right now just from seeing this. Why? Why am I seeing this? There surely must be a reason for it.

"Next, I am standing before a tree. My hand reaches out to touch the trunk at eye level and makes contact with sap. It's just finished raining before this walk even began, so the sap is especially slick. My white feet look even whiter with the fresh mud coating the toes and the bottoms, yet I see no end to this walk just yet.

"Suddenly, a leaf floats down in front of me. I've held this leaf before, for sure. It's examined closely as I hold it in my left hand. A wind kicks up then, taking it from my hand. Wanting to relive the pleasant familiarity of the leaf, I begin to give chase. You would think that I would be exhausted after walking for a few hours already; however, I feel afresh with new energy whenever I stop and then continue. This leaf is worth giving chase to.

"Time is irrelevant here. Distance is equally irrelevant, for I have no concept of how much I've travelled into this forest already. I just want my leaf back...but wait, it's stopped moving. In fact, it falls to the ground in front of a pair of feet that wear traditional black boots. The owner of these feet simply stands there, watching. I hesitate. Dare I pick my leaf up?

"A single hand gesture invites me to step forward, but without a voice. It's as if the very thoughts of my mind have opened up like a book. I know of no way to explain this, but I take slow steps forward until I'm close enough to retrieve the odd treasure. Before I can step back or continue, the same hand straightens vertically to tell me to be still.

"I still myself.

"A second gesture is made, but not to me, it seems. Suddenly, a flurry of leaves not covered in mud from the earlier rain start to lift from the ground as if they've developed minds of their own. But, this isn't their doing. This strangely silent person standing in front of me is doing this. That 'come hither' gesture with a single finger has done this, and now I watch as these leaves begin to spin around us rapidly. My own leaf, I press close to me for fear of it becoming part of the spiral. Faster and faster it goes...faster and faster it forms into a tornado. Soon, I'm trying to grip at the mud with my toes to keep myself steady.

"Suddenly, fingers snap, and the leaves seem to vanish from view. But wait, there's now a bunch of fine powder on the ground. What has happened to these leaves? I look around quickly, my heart beating faster as I try to make sense of what has happened. Something has happened, but not to the leaves alone. Parts of the trees around us now have little holes in them as well. What caused that?!

"My head turns back to the person standing in front of me, only I'm now staring at an undamaged tree behind the place where the boot-wearing person once stood. Where have they gone?! My heart is now beating even quicker as I search around me. The search is short-lived, as there is now a whisper from directly behind me:

"'Next time, that could be you in the hands of the wrong person.'"

I awakened this morning with screams of utter terror and have been afraid since. This is the third time I've had this dream.

[Reiko Souma]

Waking up to the feeling of being run over by a bus is something that Reiko isn't unfamiliar with. Neither is the feeling of having pigskin for a right arm. Having received stitches up and down her right arm from last night's chance encounter with a wolf. It was more painful than it was frightening, at least at first. Reality soon hit her hard and heavy, and she spent a good number of days freaking out upon realising that she could have very well been turned into a wolf. "Anya," as Reiko has come to call the doctor and wife of Antonio Falcon within a short time, had saved the pink-haired Terran native right on time.

Because the arm that Quinn scratched was Reiko's right arm, the same arm that had just healed enough from last week's first-degree burn, the woman was forced to learn how to write with her left hand. Much of her scrawling may look like a four-year old got a hold of her pen and took over the paper, but there's quite enough evidence through the wording alone that Reiko is indeed writing this entry. That's because she's trying to alternate between writing with both hands as well. In the woman's own words, "Only an absolute moron would think that I would ever give them permission to pry my journal from my cold fingers."

Proof enough?

What in the actual fuck would a wolf want to curse me for?! Lycanthro-lycantropy - oh, I give up. I don't want to know! Just call my right arm useless, because I can't even bend it or carry certain objects over twenty kilos without feeling the pain. Dare I risk reopening my wounds in such a way? Hell no! That stupid Quinn...if Mark hadn't answered all of my questions then, then I would be planning another conversation in the future.

Ah, no. No, I wouldn't be.

These days, my telekinesis is seeing better levels of control. I'm not sure if I'm ready to move past the leaf and napkins just yet, however. Those are feather-light in weight. I could fling around as many leaves and napkins as I could manage to access, but that means next to nothing if my emotional control still sucks. Toby's been over this with me multiple times before, even. I need to defeat myself. I need to forgive myself...

Immense guilt from her actions of the last several days has finally overcome Reiko, who is unable to continue writing. Emotion finally overcomes her, her actions from the last several years having caught up with her. Suddenly, she hums both her journal and her pen across the room. Both palms slam down on the desk as a breakdown begins. Although she has experienced the forgiveness of others, she still hasn't quite grasped the concept of forgiving herself. Her question that she keeps on asking herself is, "How can I even begin to forgive myself when I can't apologise to myself?" It's much easier for her to apologise to others than it is for her to apologise to, and forgive, herself.

By the time she's ready to resume writing, she's holding onto Chewbacca with her left hand. She's struggling to keep herself together and is of the mind to put in a request to Toby for another lesson.

I've gone and made another mess. This time, I've shredded napkins. My leaf has been out of sight, lest that also be shredded. I don't want to wreck it again. It's become very important to me that I feel I should be responsible for it, like it's an extension of who I am. The shredded napkins? My weights and stress. I know that quite well now.

Lesson after lesson. If I was Toby - and what a good thing it is that I'm not - I would have long since given up on me after the first two times I screwed up.

What am I even doing...I don't make any sense.

The third time that Reiko pauses, it's to give her tribble attention as he purrs in comfort. A sudden spark ignites within her as she shuts her eyes and realises that some things can be released. She has to start letting go of the baggage she's been carrying around with her. Self-blame for the tattoo she's kept on her arm, self-blame for her uncle walking away from her...what she continues to blame herself for are the orders she carried out against her very conscience and the abandonment issues that she carries with her.

Those things aren't my fault.

But those children dying by my blade? That still is.

Oh Fate, please help me!

[Reiko Souma]

The same question flows through every channel of my mind like a constant: "What has happened?" What a good question that is. What has happened? As far as I'm aware, nobody got hurt. No bitter feelings are harboured either.

Why did I accept the anonymous invitation to watch the duels at the Annex, anyways? Oh, that's right...I thought I could handle it. No, no, and no. I was so afraid that I had forgotten to dismiss my pair of penguins right away. This is no place for them to be. They don't need to be seeing these duels after they spent Fate knows how long in captivity. Well, they're away now.

Sitting down was required. Even then, the chair felt me shaking like a leaf. Maybe it was worse? No way I could tell. My feet were moving from the chair to the back of the bar as if they had developed individual minds. Fortunately, Brother prepared tea. Fate knows I really needed it with the wreck I was.

So, what happened next? Something, possibly something, within appeared to snap. Possibly like a cord snapping, out of this mouth came the issuance of a challenge. It sounded better when it was just a thought, really. Punch someone who wanted "to scrap" when I looked like I was about to be eaten up and digested by a grizzly? Not the smartest idea ever, but I'm still writing...I'm breathing.

At this time, it should be noted that the woman has barely slept a wink. Nightmares and flashbacks resembling one of her worst inner demons have refused to leave her alone to where she is ready to beg for quarantine, if she doesn't put herself there first. Reiko has thrown the card which contains the invitation in front of the "office" where her last "conference" with Andu had transpired at; he's free to investigate further if he must. She doesn't want to see that invitation again because, as far as she's concerned, it's now a done deal. She's satisfied whoever it was that gave it to her to begin with.

Ordinarily, Reiko would be preparing for her nightly visit to the Inn at this time. Not today. Instead, she's giving strong consideration to paying Stars End Bar a visit. If not there to throw darts in peace, then she just might traverse to Dragontopia. Anywhere that she might go, she wants to avoid a crowd. She may enjoy providing service to crowds at the Inn, as she did last night, but she can't do this all the time.

A greeting might be sent to Amber tonight, but that is all. Of utter importance is casting the ugly memories of her past aside, or outright away. For now, the woman is taking Chewy with her on an excursion outside. To do what, one may ask? For the curious-minded, Reiko is taking quite a bit of her wood and carving supplies with her to a remote location outside until she's able to decide which indoor location she'll be venturing to. Her journal entry appears to be incomplete, but it in fact is quite complete.

[Reiko Souma]

Some things are meant to come and stay. Those are welcomed upon their arrival.

Then there are some things that are meant to not come, and just keep going. When those come and stay awhile is when things start to get foul, my mood going with it.

No, I'm not talking about the whole concept of discipline. Even if I don't appear to take a liking to it upfront, the reason for it will eventually sink in. A lesson is learnt. Sometimes it just, you know, takes a little bit longer. A good shove is needed, although it may or may not seem painfully obvious that such shouldn't be needed. Nobody is fooling themselves. I see how I'm looked at.

Ugh. Deadpool. Where do I even begin with that crazy lunatic? Put simply, he drives me up the walls. If he could stop breaking the Fourth Wall already, then that would be nice. Who the Hell did he follow here from Terra? I somehow doubt that he only came because of Magneto, or whoever he said he was here to see. It's really hard to tell with that guy because he's always talking to himself...and you...and me...and whatever his mental defect is. Pft. And people around here think I'm the crazy Terran who does crazy things and says crazy things. Enough with that, already! Have they not heard of Deadpool?!

Walking Insane Asylum is being set aside for now because of the other things that I find troubling. When it rains, it pours. Seriously. I think I'm making steady progress at last, overcoming another obstacle, starting to forgive myself for things that I shouldn't be blaming myself for, and start facing one of my worst demons when smack! Another hits. My nightmares aren't anything new. I've already come to the conclusion that those are never going away until the day I die. That much is obvious.

If said nightmares would at least not be so gut-wrenching is all, then that would be nice. Woken by the latest one of an especially graphic recollection of that order, that I won't detail. Let's just say it was enough for me to utilise the trash can in unfavourable ways before I sent myself to the Inn. Normally, I would be hugging Big Brother or Ma Tante.* This time, it was Izumi-chan. Everyone else was going home for the night.

There sure was an interesting character hanging around. David. He's...some sort of turtle-like being. It happened again...things moving. This time, it was a box of tea. I'm pretty sure it was near the brink of my weight limit for things I can move with my mind. I'm quite sure I wasn't supposed to be able to move that. Focus! Focus! I keep on having to remind myself that I have to focus on control in order to keep things under control. My control is probably that of a primary school child, which is better than no control at all...but still not too good. I must get better!

Well...damn. Here I go with writing things out of sequential order again. How could I possibly neglect to write about Ma Tante's Archmage tournament from a few nights ago? Ugh. Focus...whoever finds this is going to see a longstanding track record of mental disorganisation. Ma Tante invited me to attend her tournament last Sunday. It was the first time I was willing to watch magic in action like this; after the exposure to Brother's recent bout of magic, I was determined to find some answers to my own question regarding this...practise.

After all of this, there's one thing I still don't understand. How can people be so happy to possess this ability to use magic as naturally as a music prodigy, or even desire to learn the various concepts, without finding anything evil about it? I really don't understand it. Shourim has warned me about practitioners trying to lure me into this field...what would he think, what would he do, if he was to learn of my ability to move things with my mind?

Moreover, what in the worlds would he say if I was to tell him that I've been hearing voices?!

I have got to talk to Toby about this. Brother already knows about this. He was maybe the first to know, actually. Dare I ask him for help, though? Not on my life. He had already made some kind of mage-like faux-pas when trying to "heal" me of my migraine prior to the Governor's meeting, which was my fault to begin with. Now that? I don't even want to write about that.

Besides, I only need one teacher.

Reiko pauses in her writing, as she's due for her afternoon exercises. Today shows a lack of motivation for stepping outside of her apartment to do anything, so she decides to spend extra time in meditation. Since it's relatively quiet and distraction-free, she moves from her desk to sit cross-legged on her neatly-made bed. How ironic it is that her entire apartment, not just her bed, is entirely more organised than the contents of her own mind.

Shutting her eyes now, the leaf that's already been repaired once sits in front of her. It's undisturbed, at least for now. Suddenly, it begins to stand straight on end with the stem on the bottom. Inside of the responsible party's mind is a visual of the branch it had come from, followed by the tree the branch belonged to, and the land that tree sat on. Just one tree in a world of millions, really. In a world of millions of trees, this leaf is like an ant that can be snuffed out of existence very easily. Reiko relates it to herself in that she's just one person in a world of millions, if not billions. The number itself is irrelevant to this connection that she's established.

"Out of that many people...I don't feel like I'm special at all. I'm insignificant." Was she really looking at the bigger picture at all, or was she really focusing in on herself? "One person can't destroy a world, though...too many would rise up to defend it. They would fight for their freedom, just like I fought for my freedom and the freedom of my land."

With those things said, Reiko resumed meditating. This time, the still-standing leaf seemed to turn to stand on its opposing end. The skinniest point of the leaf required more focus to keep it intact than the other end did, of which she really didn't want to risk ruining this leaf a second time. It's already been repaired once. She wanted so badly to prevent a second destruction due to it being a gift from her teacher. It meant a lot to the woman as a person who hadn't been the recipient of many gifts.

When she's finished with making that leaf stand on end for fifteen minutes per end, she's adapted a new idea for a fun new game. Call it practise in a different perspective, if one may: Telekinetic Cutthroat Darts. It's when she's throwing the third dart that the voices return. This time, Reiko believes they belong to the near two hundred additions to Gaia, the survivors of the explosion.

Why won't they shut up? Is there something I'm doing wrong? I do my exercises. Hell, I'm even trying my best to meditate as soon as I start hearing them...what am I, schizo? Schizos and the like hear voices that aren't there. Never have I started to hear them until maybe two weeks ago. When I meditate, they go away, but what if that should become ineffective? I fear for that day, in all honesty...I swear to Fate on my parents' graves, I'm losing whatever's left of my mind.

Back to the drawing board Reiko goes, losing herself in meditation until she finally falls asleep for the third time today.

[Reiko Souma]

Finding time to write has been so difficult lately. Not a single word has been written down between the previous entry because of the amount of time that's been spent in training. So, where have I been lately? Here...there...near...far...in short. There's far more than that.

Life at Gaia has just become so crowded lately. By crowded, that would be about two hundred stronger. That's a little bit much for this one here, so a tough decision had to be made on whether to stay or not. As of Friday, the latter was decided upon. Chewy, my stuff, and I have relocated to the Palazzo Estate. I have a bedroom to call my own there, people who are helping me learn how to make more than sandwiches and simple drinks, and basic accommodations for my health.

Good-bye, apartment at Gaia. You were my first real home in Rhy'din, and Big Brother was the first real "landlord" of sorts.

Oh, why am I making it sound like I've moved too far away from civilisation when I'll still be able to see everyone at the Inn? That's right...it's because Little Brother up and left me behind with a letter instead of a face-to-face good-bye! That bastard! When he gets back is when I'll be looking to have a talk with him about what he's going to do next, provided he even remembers me...and then I'll happily request a duel or two with him in swords to take out my anger on him for taking the coward's way out. Really, leaving me with a letter! Why!

Duelling is one way that I pass the time. Carrying my Katana on me is something that I've really missed doing. See, I can wield my weapon without suddenly swinging it around like a madwoman. Yet after showing that I can control myself and not resort to physical violence, Big Brother tells me that I'm still considered a danger to myself and others whenever I get angry. Sorry, Andu ? not this time. Those days have been over and done with since I started to discover what it is that I've been missing from my life.

A purpose to live; not just this flaky thing, either.

I used to spend much of my years fighting: fighting to destroy, fighting to kill, fighting to protect. That last part, I didn't do so much of. Now...it was different. I'm free from the obligation of taking to the front lines to give harrowing orders that I received. It's because I miss being able to wield a weapon without consequence that I've decided to take up sword fighting.

Standing in the ring...right. Blood still happens, regardless of who draws it. My poor reactions to the sight of it is what prompted some action within the first week. Big Brother, I'm forever in your debt for providing me with the pink armoured jacket and tinted lenses. No more will my own blood be drawn so easily (unless one of my future opponents is that intent on inflicting serious harm to me that would only be healed anyways). No longer will I have to worry about losing my day's meals over the sight of someone else's blood!

There's one other matter. Most of the fights are in the Annex. The majority of my duels must be fought in the same place that triggers flashbacks and nightmares. Losing control of telepathy because of said mental reactions seems to be fixed now. The black floral headband has been doing wonders, but when I sleep? Well, that headband can't stay on when I'm asleep.

When the nightmares are at their worst, or focusing just won't happen, the Inn was the place to go. It still is sometimes, but now there are individuals who are right there when I need a shoulder to cry on or that familial presence to just sit with me.

Oh Bond, whatever will be done about those dreams..? Can anything be done about those particular dreams that trigger cat-like responses? Meows and purrs, the occasional craving for milk and fish; what a good thing it hasn't gone any further than that! Thanks to dear cousin Johann, however, I'm now doing daily inspections of my face to make sure there aren't any whiskers starting to grow. There doesn't appear to be any fur growing anywhere either.

"It looks like your desire to be with Bond could be triggering these reactions," or something of the sort was said. There's no way to be sure because I was too busy acting like a cat and trying to make heads and tails of this. Something has got to be done about this...before anyone knows it, sleep will no longer be quiet. The entire mansion will probably start hearing the weirdest and most high-pitched meowing sounds coming from my room.

Yup, I can see it already. Someone will pass by my bedroom, hear the meows coming from within, and keep walking with this odd expression on their face. It's either that, or they'll hear the noises from the other side of the door and start knocking on it with the hope of shutting me (or my subconscious self) up. Maybe someone would even go as far as foregoing both of those options and walk right in to silence the source of those sounds. A pillow over my face, a sock in my mouth, or simply flip me over on my stomach to muffle the sounds. Or, perhaps whack me with a pan to knock it (and me) out completely...or cast a blasphemous magic spell! Ugh, no...I can actually see Antonio himself wanting to put a pillow over my face.

Start investing in earplugs, Palazzo Estate!

[Reiko Souma]

When it's not with actions, words seem to just completely undo every good thing that's been done.

Story of my life.

Travelling is all that's been done lately. Going from one place to another life a rogue, trying to find the right crowd to accept without strings attached (by that, seemingly endless criticisms aren't included), and making the effort to follow through with getting the help that's so desperately needed are the three primary things that's been done lately. Up until I ended up getting sick - yet again, it would seem.

Do some really think that I was born yesterday? Strong gut instincts come at that thought like several swift punches to the gut. Everybody has a bad day here and there, but when I seem to have one really off day amidst good or already mediocre days, minds seem to go topsy-turvy. Excuse me for being a sentient being with many issues that are quite difficult to work out.

Whoever may find this journal at some point in the distant future would more than likely realise that, if it's not burnt, this is going to be one helluva doozy of a rant.

Come to think of it, in addition to my not writing in this for so many weeks, it's been even longer since an actual rant has been written. The poor soul who should open to this particular page first is starting at a tumultuous point in my life and should hopefully flip back several pages to slightly happier times. Yeah...remember those? I do.

Right now, I'm actually nowhere near civilisation. My current health indicates that I really should be in a nice warm bed, drinking a lot of hot tea with honey and lemon, and letting those I've come to love as my family (and hopefully one as my future special other in the way distant future) tend to me. That's the thing. My sitting around like an invalid prevented me from coming to my heart-family's aid when they needed the help the most, and that to me is absolutely not okay.

"There is nothing you can do, or could have done to make one bit of difference," Andu said last night. Bloody Hell, there isn't...I refuse to be useless. Tell anyone where I am, and why, and I might be mocked as one with a death with. I can almost hear it now, actually, and whilst I may not be one to feel great about carrying a gun on me? There's no use in denying that obtaining a gun permit and permission to carry for the sole purpose of defence hasn't crossed my mind to the point of looking through a few of Rhy'din's specialty magazines. What's stopping me from following through with this is my not wanting my nieces and nephews to see such an ugly mechanism on my person. They don't need to see their Aunty Reiko carrying such a controversial weapon.

What exactly am I doing here when I run the risk of being shot right through my thin armour? The armour gifted to me by Andu is for duelling and doesn't stand a chance of surviving a possible onslaught of bullets if ambushed. That's exactly why I've found somebody who can craft me a full suit of armour that's much more suited for surviving multiple gunshots. I'd likely be screwed if there was an armour-splitting weapon involved, but...I have to try doing something to help. Andu's useless as long as he's blind, Icer's moving rather slowly these days because of her being shot, and I heard her mate got the worst of the injuries. With three of them as they are, and my worst being a nagging cold that doubles me over whenever my fits are particularly bad, I'd like to believe that I'm better off than all of them put together.

This may seem incredibly foolish, but paying this amount to have this armour crafted for me and wearing it to the area I suspect the ambush took place might be my only option; I must do this alone with the sole intent of reasoning with whomever did this. A child is undeserving of any act of aggression...

...I just hope that my seeking him out with a full set of armour on won't be considered initial aggression to the misguided soul from the start, or else my mission is due to fail before it begins.

[Reiko Souma]

I deserve a freaking medal.

Within the last three weeks, I've returned to my home planet, visited my extremely dangerous hometown, sold my parents' home (with a very heavy heart at first, that is, but also with tremendous relief that the thugs had left it alone), donated most of said parents' belongings to charities, and somehow managed to survive a visit with both my priest and my guardian in the same room. Such is worded in that fashion due to one fine little detail that just happened to "drop" like a nickel from a pocket. I've been magically inclined since I was a little girl. Yeah...that. Me, a little sorceress.

Um.

What.

The.

Fuck?!

I'm still trying to wrap my head about the "how," but some of the things make more sense now. Just a couple of days ago, I was able to stand a rose in one hand and hand it to somebody. Mind you, this was something that I had imagined. Imaginations can run wild and wreak havoc...but this. What I thought was telepathy was a combination of that and my Fae-fused genes.

By the way, very little of this makes any sense!

Enough about the one thing that makes my head want to implode. In other news, my uncle is apparently somewhere out there searching for me. Problem: nobody knows where he is anymore. Ever since he retired from the United States Marine Corp. a few years back, he's dropped off of the family radar. Shourim has no idea of where, or how, to find my dear Salem-Ojikuno.

Sigh. I really, really miss my Bond...

At this time, Reiko has resettled herself into her bedroom at the Palazzo Estate. Her lengthy trip back to her home planet has done many a things towards her mental stature, such as setting free many of the heavy weights and burdens regarding her late parents that she's been carrying on her all this time. Upon her return from the Terran Earth is a huge stack of gifts for everybody. By everybody, Reiko made sure to include everybody that she knows in her Heart-Family that she's been part of for nine months now. That's a lot of presents!

Most surprising of all is the hairstyle that she's sporting these days. Reiko's hair is short, really short. Bubblegum pink is still the dominating colour (because it's natural like her other unnatural features), but now black is starting to come from the roots. Don't worry, though. This woman isn't about to abandon her ability for being fantastically obnoxious when it comes to cheering for her friends and family. Quacking is here to stay - permanently.

"Ain't nobody gonna take that away from me."

[Reiko Souma]

*Until she has her journal, Reiko is writing this on sheets of paper from the safety and security of an isolated location.

Well. If I didn't know any better, then I would start questioning my memory recall right about now.

I'm not quite sure how to word this entry, to be honest. When I agreed to temporary arrangements away from the Palazzo Estate (where I should have been to begin with), Big Brother brought me there. The place where I am at now is said to keep things out. That means it can help keep me in. I am safe. I am secure.

Something has got to give. My memory is usually better than this, yet lately there are hours of time missing from my mental timeline. It's scary. It's really scary. There may be some who live like this everyday. What I want to know is...how? How are they able to live their lives, knowing that they've lost hours or even days of their memories?

I am safe. I am secure.

I was safe the moment I came to my senses and saw that I was in good company. I was secure the moment I saw that no harm was going to come to me. Anybody at the Inn could have jumped me and tied me up, punched my lights out, or even beaten the stuffing out of me. No. Nobody did that. For that, I have them all to thank.

There were intermittent moments where I had come to in a very dark place. When I had, there was an empty bar. The rest that I saw was so disturbing that I can't even write them down. It would be better if I those few moments were blocked out of my mind forever and, given the circumstances I'm currently in, I would give anything that isn't harmful to me or anyone else to banish them from my mind the instant I feel them starting to resurface.

I am safe. I am secure.

These six words are a mantra that I will speak as a reminder to myself that everything is okay. If things don't seem to be okay now, then one day they will be. What is okay about me now is that I am still alive. I'm tangent. Before I was transported to where I write this from now, I felt this blanket of peace gradually covering me, guarding my mind. What had disturbed me to the point of becoming physically ill earlier in the evening no longer even existed in my mind...at least for the time being.

The lights were off when I went to sleep last night, but I woke up screaming and covered in cold sweat. My mind screamed, "DANGER!" with my body responding as it did. That was when those six words came to me: I am safe. I am secure. That's because I am.

My phone and other important belongings are at the Estate. All I have on me are the dress I'm wearing, my boots, and the leaf that Toby had given me. It must have fallen into my boot when the effects of the spell had started to take effect on me.

Reiko has to take a sudden pause in her writing to drop her pen and grab at her head. "I am safe. I am secure," she starts reciting. This mantra is repeated as she tries so desperately to focus on pulling that blanket of peace back over her, or otherwise establish a new one. "I am safe. I am secure. I have peace. I won't give up! I've come too far to throw it all away now!" Bond is the first to come into her mind, followed by her nieces and nephews, and finally the rest of her family that she has come to greatly care for. At ease once more, Reiko retrieves her pen from the floor and resumes writing.

It's been days since I've spoken to Ma Tante and Mon Oncle. Considering the kits dwell with them at the Celestial during Ma Tante's reign as Archmage, it's best that I not be around them. In fact, it's better that I'm not around anybody who can't defend themselves, especially the young. That is something I simply cannot risk at all. Forgiving myself for all of those that I killed during the war is something that I still haven't been able to do. All of those children...

Are the young of Rhy'din safe? Are they secure, now that I'm in this place?

I want to believe that they are.

My hair is no longer at the dreadful mid-shoulder length that it was at two mornings ago. Miracle-Grow is Ugliness-Dead, and I have Toby to thank for that. It may be weird to some that I take a lot of pride in the condition of my hair, and its shortness is my signature of independence. Right now...I am not independent. I'm still a victim of the spell that clearly seeks to exploit my suppressed darker nature.

I am safe. I am secure.

Don't let me ask to be trusted again just yet. I wouldn't trust me either right now. After accruing Fate knows how much of a tab by breaking this bottles at the Inn, a window, and people being cut by a result, I'd have to say that there is absolutely no reason to trust me until I can walk around without being a danger to myself or to others...the memory would be nice too.

I amend that. I need to be able to control myself in order to avoid being a danger to myself and to others, if I care to regain trust and respect again. Until then, I can cross those off the list. As well as seeing my nieces and nephews again...I don't know about the rest of the family, though.

Why do I suddenly have this feeling that I'm probably going to come back to the Estate to find all of my stuff sitting just inside of the entrance for me to "pick up and get the Hell out?" Only time can tell.

[Reiko Souma]

Gift of Freedom
Give to me the freedom unlike anything I've ever tasted before in my life.

Sweeter than honey, I desire it.

Does one suppose me to have lost my mind? As easy as it is to assume it, I think not - those words had become a critical part of the first prayer for my lips to utter forth after the first encounter with my priest. I question not what he saw in me when we first met at camp in St. Thomas; reasons aren't always required. The tent I sat in then had been occupied by none other; my immediate subordinates were at lunch just a short distance away whilst I hung back to analyse our next skirmish.

The lengthy interruption by this man of perceived great wisdom had been worth it. As I think back on the memories of the war and redirect my mind towards better things, this is still one of the fonder and pleasant of memories I hold onto today. Staring out the window adjacent to my bed as I lay at conscious rest brings me to the realisation of just how much my perspective of life has changed. Instead of identifying my dead comrades alongside the dead civilians and seeing no end to the bloodshed and perpetual storm, I see hope for a positive change. I wake up every morning to a better tomorrow instead of opening my eyes with the bittersweet relief that I've survived another day.

Of those I've gotten to know during this past year, there are a number of whom I'll only be too happy to sever any and all associations with very soon. They have become very toxic that for my peace of mind, any bond between them and myself must be cut. I must be the one to cut the ties myself.

The rest? Some serve to be strengthened in spades. Others are perfect the way they are; I don't want to touch those.

Sorry, Mach...you're unfortunate enough to not have your little head sitting on the chopping block just yet.

With her head undoubtedly screwed on tight enough, Reiko pulls her notebook over to her and starts writing a letter. Its intended recipient might find it surprising that the woman is writing them at all, but there's a favour she feels the need to have done as soon as possible. Said letter is lengthy enough that it might take the reader several minutes to read it.

[Reiko Souma]

Six weeks, six really long weeks, felt more like six years. Feelings all over the spectrum couldn't have been more bothersome. That fight with my boyfriend? I feel like I'm in secondary school all over again. Nothing is ever perfect; I absolutely understand that. It didn't mean playing the avoidance card for so long, though. Every time I thought of this amidst my time spent with Shourim only upset me all over again.

Did I mention that I hate fighting with the ones I care for and the one I love so dearly?

He noticed. Kind of really hard for dear ol' Pirate Dad not to. One good eye doesn't equal stupid or blind; he saw right through the thick façade and ripped right into it with his favourite tool. Psychology. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

"You can't avoid him forever, Rei. The longer you run, the more it'll hurt when you finally see him again," Shourim told me, "this time, Bond may end up coming to you. You may not have a say in the timing then. Will you run then, like you've been doing? Or will you stand there and confront what you've been allowing to scare you and send you running?"

We had been right in the middle of a lesson at the moment as well when he had stopped it. Stop a lesson in psychology with a psychology lesson of his own. That's exactly what Shourim did. What did it do? It left me curled-up in a ball of uncontrollable tears. Right then, it became obvious of just how strong my feelings for Bond were. Too bad it took a month and a half for me to truly see this.

How can it be possible for somebody to love another in under a year? I thought it a bit soon to even use the word love when a one-year anniversary hasn't even approached. Two years maybe, but eight months...am I too quick on the draw, maybe. All I know is what can't be denied. It's too prevalent for me to even consider denying for any reason:

I love you, Bond.

I almost don't deserve you, for you ended up being the one to come to me after I spent all this time dodging you. Had there been any calls or e-mails from you, I ignored them all without reading them. Had there been any flowers or gifts sent to me, I had set them aside (but cared for the flowers regardless) due to how upset I was. Yet you came to me last night when you could have very easily turned on your heel and walked right back out of the Inn with Mayflower - who I didn't expect to see as a young human child, by the way, until the explanations came back at Arcadia!

Instead, I'm the one who left you and everybody else behind to be alone on the porch, crying my eyes out for the nth time in six weeks. Instead of ditching me and giving up on me, you went after me and apologised. That really didn't sound like something you were at all good at doing and probably took a lot of mustered-up courage to do as well. No way could I try to build my wall back up anymore after this. I can't do it.

You have both my forgiveness and my apologies as well...just please tell me what it is that I did to deserve your love and attention.

[Reiko Souma]

Let the record indicate that I accepted the presence and role of sorcery in my life for all eternity months ago.

Accepting that fact doesn't mean that I'll just let any random being come up to me and use their sorcery on me. Yes, that actually happened last week. That purple-haired woman spooked me from behind and then touched my shoulder with one hand. When I asked what she was doing, she simply stated that I "needed to calm down." After that? It was lights out for me. I didn't wake up until halfway through the following morning, and I found myself in Arcadia with Bond. Big Brother had brought me back.

The next time somebody uses their sorcery on me without my permission, I'm going to start hitting pressure points in self-defence. Seriously, leave me the feck alone with that when I'm not in serious need of it.

Now, a moment to digress away from my rant. My life has been saved as a result of sorcery. Two months ago, Eregor and Tenball worked together with Ma Tante, Mon Oncle, and I think Big Brother's strength in sorcery to set me free from the control spell that had been inflicted upon me by Agrylax. I still want to kill that bastard Drow, by the way. Just let me have a few minutes with him so that I can unleash my full fury on him unlike what anybody has ever seen before. I will reserve absolutely none of my own strength to see him disintegrate into nothingness. All of the chaos that came about as a result of the spell he put me under...and the violation to my body?!

Nightmares of the latter have been joining the nightmares of the bloodshed of innocent children lately. I still wake up screaming at various hours of different nights. I'm still scared to resume duelling regularly out of fear that a child might be injured, or worse, killed. Maggie, for instance. No, I just can't do it!

Last night, I slept in my bedroom at the Palazzo Estate because of therapy this afternoon. Without Bond by my side, I almost feel physically cold.

And then it happened: my mind's eye opened, detecting the threat of the same to try taking me over again. It could be paranoia setting in, but I can't be careless. When I woke at dawn, I bolted upright on my bed with my arms reaching out for someone to hug and to hold onto for a moment as the tears came. I ran from my bedroom in search for the nearest person to hug with the look of fright on my face, be it Antonio or Anya...or Carlo, even. Somebody on the Estate. I didn't care.

I need heavy-duty sleep medication...

[Reiko Souma]

Trigger Advisory: Miscarriage

*Note: This post is one of the few posts that I didn't want to copy over from RDI at first. I actually wanted to let it remain in the Catacombs for eventual permanent deletion, but made the somewhat difficult decision to bring it over to this forum and leave it unedited. It's too telling of one of Reiko's greatest inner demons to win against and is too significant to omit.

They're adorable, the pride of life for anybody who wants one. Little fingers reaching out for the one they depend completely on at first, communicating their wants and needs with the various sounds of coos and cries. Giggles come from them without their knowing why; they are totally innocent. The beginning of their life in this world is such a joy that brings so much happiness to the fortunate ones. Watching them grow up reminds one of how fast, but otherwise how finite, time itself is.

Provided one is able to carry and deliver without fail.

Six and a half years ago, perhaps more or less, was when the first glossy photo and the happy news penetrated my ears like music. I was going to be a mother for the very first time. Still married then, though I can look back now and admit without fail that it wasn't a happy marriage by any means, part of me thought that this might be what was needed to keep that spark alive. Today should tell you what the outcome was. Let's just say, the wedding bands from him and myself were sold for a good amount of money back in my hometown prior to my departure for war. I regret nothing.

Time seemed to slow down as the days of morning sickness and cravings for dark chocolate-covered everything came. Half of those pregnancy cravings disgust me now, like dark chocolate syrup on a hot dog...gross! How I didn't make myself sick from that is beyond me. The galaxies may never know.

Surprise came at my next checkup. I wasn't carrying just one inside of me, but two. Twins were in the near future! One boy and one girl now had to spend the next several months growing inside of me and tolerating my odd taste in food. Or, that's what I thought. What did I know back then as opposed to now, though? Hindsight truly is twenty-twenty.

The tipping point didn't come when the one I foolishly called my husband had an affair with another. Not to worry, as I did have a very good divorce lawyer to help me with the paperwork. Don't get married if you can't be loyal to the one you bestow your love to and exchange vows with on your wedding day, simple as that. Adultery is a chargeable offence in the military that can easily result in court marshal, depending on the country you serve in. Though not the most serious offence in the Special Defence Force, it's enough to question your overall loyalty. If one can't be loyal to loved ones, then how could they possibly be trusted with loyalty to one's own comrades or even their country in the thick of combat? Hence my not needing more than a single thought to decide on divorce. My life is much better without that bastard in it.

Nobody could have told me that when I watched the end of his life! My heart shattered into a million pieces then. I'm glad now that he never bothered to apologise in his final words, and I'm glad he didn't utter my name either. The divorce couldn't be made official because of his being murdered prior to its finalisation, but that's okay now. What wasn't okay was how I had a tonne of questions flooding my mind regarding the twins.

What would I do? Would they ask for their daddy? What would I tell them? Would I even be able to tell them that I watched their daddy get killed and couldn't do a thing to stop it? How close to adulthood should they be before I told them? What if they hate me? What if they can't forgive me? What if I'm a bad mother to them? Can I even raise them by myself? Will anybody help me raise them if I asked? What if I'm too ashamed to ask for help? What if my pride gets in my way? What if I screw up and fail?

I'd fallen backwards and fainted from shock, only to wake up in a hospital some time later. My initial dazed state hurried away at the immediate thought of my babies growing inside of me, and my hands flew right to my baby bump. I thought I'd felt a little kick or nudge from one of them and gave a little rub to let them know that I was still there. What was I to do now? Without the questions, I could at least hear myself think again. My mind was at peace, at least for now.

My anaemia wasn't a serious concern to the twins' health or my own, and they appeared to be unharmed from my fainting earlier, so I had been discharged with the instructions to rest and maintain the extra iron regiment. Giving me any form of medication had become trickier than ever during my pregnancy, so none was given at all.

Then it happened - the moment I had been dreading all this time. I had just about arrived at the Red Dragon Inn on foot (slowly, I must add) when I felt ill. I had to sit down nearby and frowned with concern. Something was terribly wrong, and all of a sudden the questions flooded my mind once more as I questioned my ability to be a good mother to my fatherless kids. Sweaty, chilly (it was summer!), other gross things that make me feel sick just thinking about them, and cramping like nobody's business with other pains meant a return to the hospital. It took everything within me to not succumb to hyperventilating and pounding the bed between me once I was able to find someone nearby who could help me. To this day, I still don't know who they are. Otherwise, I would thank them.

Being close to halfway through my pregnancy meant talk of either a miscarriage or a stillbirth. All of my complaints about time dragging by so slowly were now completely irrelevant and of the past. Everyone who tended to me seemed to speak ten kilometres a second as they were able to retrieve the twins from me.

Dead.

I thought I had cried my hardest when their father's life had ended, but...no.

Seeing what would've been my two prides and joys denied their lives did it for me.

I'm

In the place of the rest of this journal entry, which was written at Arcadia and was left open to the page next to her, are Reiko's tears as sobs completely consumed her. Instead of spending the night with Bond, she had ventured out to the beach on her own and cried herself to sleep on the sand with the hopes of nobody hearing her.

Trigger Advisory: Miscarriage

[Reiko Souma]

Did anyone wonder of my happenings? Of the last two months, Shourim has only been too happy to put me on the field with him in the hopes of trying to curb my weakness for blood. Bringing me from one place to the next, giving me on-site instruction in medical techniques that hadn't been covered with combat training, and exposing me to scenarios that aren't just found on the battlefield - as I've learned - there are surprises. These people I've assisted Shourim with have no idea! On the front lines, the difference between friend and foe are clearly established by the colour of the uniform (or lack thereof).

Away from the battlefield and in civilian life, however...unless every veteran is a psychic like I am, there's no way to differentiate friend from foe, ally from enemy.

To make it back from the field on time to see Sis Murelle and Father (Xeno) again was just the start of my happiness. All that's transpired had caused me to unintentionally forget that the Yule Ball was happening that Saturday night; well, I couldn't have forgotten entirely. Seeing as I was dressed like one of the "Santa Clause's elves" in a dress-fit of sorts (who even is this Santa Clause creature?) had to say something. With thanks to the Fates, I wasn't dateless the entire night, for Bond had returned from a mission of sorts to join me as well.

My Yule Ball was complete.

No Ball seems to go complete without something occurring, it seems. By that, I'm referring to my big mouth reminding Bond of last year's Ball. Not only was it our first formal dance together as a couple, it was that same night when Buster had stowed himself away in someone's pocket (I think Moneypenny's) and made a sneak attack on the spread table, promptly taking the tablecloth with him in the attempt of climbing up. That didn't happen this time around (disaster averted), although he did succeed in devouring at least half of one of the cakes that someone had brought. Yikes! At least his coordination's improved from last year. The bath to be given wasn't so bad this time around, and I wasn't so quick to want to show off any of my psionic abilities this time around.

Too bad I can't pretend that away.

All in all, this had to be the first incident-free night that I've enjoyed in a long time. What a wonderful way to start off my time away from Shourim's medical boot camp. Sheesh. I swear, he's trying to make me a doctor or something just so that I can stop vomiting and falling back at the sight of blood. (Barely working, by the way.)

Now...to guide this poor soul named Ash to where he needs to go...and I don't mean hiding in the women's restroom with me, either. A piss and vomit-scented room is hardly the place for a getting acquainted conversation.

[Reiko Souma]

First, just three words: Damn you, Shourim.

Now that I've got that out of the way, it's why that has me slightly irritated. I don't mind not having the time or energy to get into trouble, but I do mind not having the time to spend with my heart-family. I mind being too exhausted to spend time with the man I love, when I'm around to spend time with him anyways. The worry is that it's going to drive a rift in our relationship. That, that's what I truly fear.

An anonymous letter from an apparent admirer was certainly of no help! Poor Carlo saw the look on my face when I fixed myself some black tea to soothe my nerves prior to meditation and probably regrets giving me the envelope now. Like he had any idea of its contents, let alone my reaction. What am I even doing, writing about this? Why am I even keeping the letter anymore? Shourim didn't want to look at it.

I should be burning the letter instead of saving it. My heart-family doesn't think I should tell Bond, but I don't think it's a good idea to keep this from him. I don't even know this person! Why would someone on Earth want anything to do with me and follow me to Rhy'din! This is my home, my sanctuary, my happy place of peace. I just want it to stay this way for at least...a little bit longer.

Awkward was an understatement at breakfast this morning, as the only thing I could do was poke at my food and rearrange it to make it look like I had eaten. Even though I couldn't, I at least took two bites before abandoning my meal. Apologies, Rosalie...I just can't eat. This matter simply presses me too much.

It took my concentration to prevent the use of my telepathy to determine whether anyone was going to try talking to me or not. I don't want to be talked to right now. I just want to deal with this and move on. Ugh. I'm making a far bigger deal of this than I should be.

Oh, that's right. I'm worried about what Bond will do once he finds out!

At this point, Reiko couldn't take anymore. Her mind has become entirely overwhelmed with stress that she took to leaving the house in what she thought was the least noticeable way, opening her window and leaping outside from it. Her landing was flawless, her legs spread apart at a shoulder-length distance as she landed on her tiptoes. Jogging, she reached the nearest wooded area that she could access but didn't stop.

She didn't stop until she was thick enough into the wooded area that she wouldn't be disturbed. Or, so she hoped. This area of the woods had several trees that were very much dead and not coming back to life anytime soon. All of a sudden, a bright pink glow spread around the woman at roughly eight metres in radius. When it vanished, all of the trees that had been caught in the energy blast had come crashing down around her.

Why isn't this making me feel any better?! I meditate, I meditate some more, and I release my emotion before it can become bottled-up in a dangerous way. So, why? Tell me, Fate! Why? What am I doing wrong?!

That's it, I'm taking a break from working with Shourim. It's obviously getting me nowhere but pissed and pushing me to the brink of what little sanity I have left. I can't do this anymore. Please give me back my shell to hide in again...I need it so much more than ever. I feel out of control over my destiny.

[Reiko Souma]

"Give thanks to the deity for each blessing bestowed upon you; great is she which looks with favour, and great is the one who is looked upon with grace! For they shalt be rich, their jug running over." ~ Rhet 5:01

Fate has looked upon me with favour unlike any other recently, for she has blessed me with the noncoincidential encounter of a life-giving goddess! No, this isn't the first time that Chryrie and I have crossed paths this year. Though my memory might be in a slight haze as to when exactly we did meet, it's perfectly clear as to when she graciously blessed me with good health in return for the gift that I gave her. One week at first, given with a kiss to my forehead, and now a few more.

I must not allow greed to penetrate my mind. When friendship is taken advantage of and reduced to a one-way giving is where I draw the line. In truth, I feel so unworthy of such blessings. Yet I will not complain or be ungrateful. Never look a gift horse in its mouth. What benefit is there from doing so anyways?

Oh Fate, something unusual happened at the rings a few nights ago. Me managing to get carried away with my poking fun and pissing Big Brother off during our Swords duel isn't unusual. Nor is he the first one I've pissed off during a duel, but that's beside the point. It's when I stepped out of the ring victorious at the end of said duel. For some reason, the wards didn't heal the minor injuries I had sustained during the duel. Once I had taken exit, I found myself on my knees almost instantly. What the Hell?

It was a given that good health doesn't automatically make one impervious to all pain. This development with the sorcery that the rings are equipped with not working as they should, however, troubles me. Was there a counter measure in effect that I wasn't aware of? Hopefully not, but it did raise curiosity and lead me to speak with Anya about this.

Oh Fate, I've picked up the alcohol again...I went to straight vodka this time. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I'm able to convert my psionic energy into physical effect. The red tint, for example? It meant, "stay away." Usually, I end up starting a fight whenever I'm drunk. Not this time. I was far too depressed to even do that.

I was only buzzed enough to bake snickerdoodle cookies instead. Erm, alcohol-free. They were for my nieces who had come to the Inn - Mayflower, Rosie, Wander, and Ai. I hope they liked them and understood my reason for staying away from them that night, for I didn't want them to see their Aunty Reiko drinking.

Too late, and I'm ashamed that they had to see that. Which is why I cut myself off once the bottle was empty and isolated myself to the kitchen. I made a mess and slipped in the process of cleaning it up, sadly. Ugh. Just how strong had that berry-flavoured vodka been for me to fall on my arse and hit my head?

No matter, I suppose.

Yet the conversation that followed...oh dear. Mist hit the nail on its head. When I thought I had found myself, I still had a ways to go. Perhaps I had only scratched the surface with truly discovering who I really am, and I still have a long self-journey ahead. This...everything that we discussed (because I needed a different listening ear, and a friend, that bad), wow, what a mess I'm becoming again.

As much as I want to hang up my hopes and move on to seek another teacher, I pine away at the potential disillusioned hope that Toby will take me on as his student once more. Nobody will ever teach me like Toby did...it just won't be the same. Realistically, nobody teaches the same as another, even in the same subject. It's the feeling that comes with having your first teacher: you either love it and are eager for the lesson with great amounts of pride, or you hate it and dread the moment with every fibre of your body. The former of the two, that was me. If Toby was to show up at the Inn or at the Palazzo Estate one day and offer to give me some kind of a lesson right now, then I would still take great pride in being chosen to be taught anything by him and await with eagerness (as well as some possible impatience due to said eagerness).

I feel as if I will always have this pride, even years down the road.

Until that day comes, Toby is not my teacher, and I am on my own regarding my abilities ("gifts," they were referred to at least once). I only hope that I don't screw up. Again.