Heathen

[Morgan LaLuna]

Saturday, October 10 2020

I'm a coward, I think. I want to go home. But just because it's hard doesn't mean I can give up. I feel like I've been punched. Like... everywhere. I keep remembering things. Or forgetting them. Which am I doing? Do I have a fever? I can't tell. I tried to make myself feel better... But I can't remember how. It's like all the words turn to burrito. Quesadilla. nope. The words turn to mush. Potatoes.

I should go to sleep. I'll talk to Bosun in the marinara.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Sunday, October 11 2020

(The page is mostly blank, with a single symbol scribbled in the middle of the page, as if marked again and again in the same place.)

[Morgan LaLuna]

Monday, Oct. 12 2020

(The next two pages are careful tables and much neater writing.)

Like so:

[Morgan LaLuna]

Saturday, October 17 2020

Or Sunday.

I don't know. It's late. I had to apologize so damn much. I made mistakes. I didn't know I was making them.

That's a lie. I knew what I was doing. I was awake for every second. I'm so damn embarrassed. I still have to apologize to the one person I think I hurt the worst. One of my best friends, and I can't even think about even looking him in the eye right now.

My whole chest hurts. My knuckles are bruised from fights I never would have started, my brain keeps replaying it all.

I don't even know who that person was.

I don't like him.

Never again.

I don't know if I can ever face anyone again.

Maybe nobody noticed............ Ugh.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Sunday, October 18, 2020

Shipwreck, for a while. The crew deserve some shore leave. I could go for a drink. Or a few.

Maybe I can find some distraction from all the dreams. And the nightmares. I'm thinking too much, and it's making it hard to do what I need to do.

Gwen's doing her best to keep my brain occupied... and most of the time, it works. Until I fall asleep.

I'll be okay. We are going to be okay. Just have to get over this fucking bump. Not like it's the first one... won't be the last. That's what happens when your whole life is a dirt road, and more pothole than street.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Sometimes I dream in a language I almost understand.

melon
Anor
nameth
ugarnin
no yest(?)

I almost remember.

[Morgan LaLuna]

(Hours later)

Oh.

My.

God.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Thursday, October 22, 2020

Soon. Back on the water soon. Setting sail sometime Saturday morning, I guess... I barely slept last night. I keep replaying that dream. It doesn't help. It makes things harder. I can't tell what's real sometimes.

Is it the thing I want? Or is it what I'm scared of? If I say something, will the walls crumble? Will I be left alone again? I'd rather have my friend.

I am okay with that.

With waking up nearby when we fall asleep in the same place. With watching from across a room. That smile that makes my heart hurt, and my stomach queasy. In the best way.

If I ruined it, I could never forgive myself.

I'd let the ocean have me.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Saturday, October 24, 2020

When it rains, it pours.

It hurts to be told what a good person you are, and all you can think of if how much of a fuckup you actually are. I tried to forget my dreams... And now I'm having nightmares again. The worst ones, where I'm left with my mistakes. Mistakes I keep making. Mistakes made by a mistake. Why am I such a mess?

I keep looking at this last gift. The last thing Federov ever gave me. Not the expensive one... The important one. Maybe if I read it enough, the things he said will be true. Maybe then I will be deserving.

Maybe then I will stop being a coward.

I have to stop being a coward.

I will either dream... Or I will swim.

Soon.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Sunday, October 25, 2020

Life, and death.

Funny, isn't it? I thought he was dead. He was supposed to be. I hit him with so much. I could have made sure, but I didn't. There were more important things. He barely made it, apparently. He washed away and moved on. I hear he's pretty fucked up. I have no problem kicking a man with crutches, or a cane. Not him. Not ever. I know what I have to do. And I will go in with a reason to live... Or nothing really to lose. This time...

I'll make sure it's finished.

I'm coming for you, bastard.

I hope you like calamari.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Thursday, October 29

Coming back was a little harder this time. I've spent some nights in the soft bed of a far off cottage I call home now... because it is home. No matter where I go, it's waiting for me.

Sometimes he is, too. And it makes me happy. He brushes my hair, and braids it. I tell him stories. All the things he's missed. The important bits, anyway. I know him... but I don't.

I'm honestly just happy holding his hand right now.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Friday, October 30

We stop off tomorrow for religious reasons of some of the crew. It's Halloween, and they're excited. Excitable. A little superstitious. I will probably stay on the ship.

Probably.

Maybe I can pretend to go to bed early. Because ghosts. Or something.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Saturday, October 31

Halloween. Spoooooooky. Not so spooky when I can't stop laughing.

It is so hilarious how angry he gets at these movies.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Wednesday, November 5

No sleep for me tonight... something dark in the water, and it's really big. It's been following us most of the day. We think it will probably follow us through the night. If not take advantage of the darkness completely.

My nerves are shot. I need a cup of tea. With some rum. Mostly rum.

I miss energy drinks so much.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Tuesday, November 10 2020


Why?


Because… He’s everything I’m not. Because lavender is my favorite color. Because the tea is warm. A million reasons that will mean nothing to anyone but me. Part of me has known for days. Or weeks. Or months. But also always. The other part of me... is scared. I don’t remember like he does. I think of flashes. Fireplaces. Blankets. Paws. Little snippets of a language I don't even really know.


I like watching movies. No. I like the reactions.


Because lavender is my favorite color.