Heathen

[Morgan LaLuna]

Wednesday, October 11 2020


Crew was on edge for the first part of the hunt… the giant beast was waiting for us in the mouth of the reef. Another couple of fish, and it seemed happy to follow along. Most of the crew won't trust it. I figure if it hasn't broken us in half by now…


I think I'll call it Squilliam.


I want to try to communicate with it. Obviously… it's smart enough to protect a snack dispenser.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Thursday, Oct 12 2020

Today was uneventful and calm. Two more days of quiet sailing, as long as we don't hit any storms. The clues point to an island "wreathed in smoke belched from the very belly of earth".

I don't think it will be too hard to spot a volcano. I should probably buy star charts? Some of these entries sound like complete garbage, but Bosun recognizes a few constellations. I barely know the dippers back home.

I'll get one tomorrow. Maybe bring back some better fish. Somehow.

For now, a couch is calling me.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Friday, October 13th 2020

We have our star charts, and just in time. If we went the right way, we should see some volcanoes soon. If they’re not blowing their tops, I want to try to get on the island. Get some glass. I think I figured out the lovers. Always reaching, never able to touch. They’re not right next to each other. I was reading wrong. The second part says to sail through the thing that parts them. There’s a constellation right there in the middle. I probably had everyone thinking I’d gone nuts when I figured it out. My room is covered in charts, and I probably look like the weirdest detective. All I’m missing is strings and post-it notes. Post-it notes would actually have been super helpful. I need to get some, I guess. Probably not. My luck, I get them and never use them.

I met someone yesterday that made me think. I’ve never been great at handling my life, and here I am with a plate full of shit that I’m now wondering if I can even eat. Not that I’m not hungry. I’m always hungry. I always want more. Is that really all that bad? I want to be more. I want to be better. I want to prove I’m not [scratched out] what he said I was.

My ship, my crew, my friends. I want the same for them. I want them to never be hungry. I like when we land in a port, and they go off and get into trouble and drink and buy things to send home. Perfumes, jewels… I’ve even seen an expensive doll get packaged up so carefully it couldn’t break if you dropped it from the Empire State building. I made sure extra clothes got put in. Just in case. He doesn’t know. I try not to pry… Some people are here because they had nothing else. Nobody else. The Heathen is their family.

My team. I wanted to give back what I got from the duels. Friends. Belonging. A way to take out my frustration. Feel like I have some control over something. I am not the only one. I see people hovering at the edge, scared to dip in a toe. Watching. I just wanted to give a little push. Chae has been super helpful with advice, and really kind to the new people. Our team ain’t half bad, either. Shelby is a mechanic and pilot. She’s got arms like rope. She looks skinny, but she’s got weight. Scarlett is my math expert. She helps me understand the odds, and other things that normally make my brain melt. She’s patient, which helps. Chae has always been good at punching. And being punched. He doesn’t complain, and he’s quick to let me know when I’m about to fuck up. Raz is… Fucking terrifying. I’ve watched him for months. At first just to look… (Have you seen him without a shirt? Fuck.) He knows what he’s doing. And he’s getting the hang of “fighting for sport.” Then there’s Azriella. She’s so nice, and seems really experienced. Doesn’t hurt she’s a fucking werewolf. Apparently. Found that out when she ended up fighting an ogre.

Fuck, RhyDin is weird, isn’t it?

My plate is full. For now, I’m okay with that. Because I know no matter what, after I eat, there will always be dessert. Something warm to hold with both hands, something I can curl up with and eat quietly. My life is so much chaos, but not then. Muffins are comfort, and calm, and reassurance. It’s movie nights and matching pajamas (Imagine sleeping in an entire outfit on purpose, right?!) and finally being able to drop everything at the door so I can just be myself.

Not Captain. Not Former Keeper. Not Pirate. My past can’t follow me here. There is only right now, and all the tomorrows. Tomorrows I’m starting to actually look forward to.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Sunday, October 15 2020

Still being followed by Squilliam. It's pretty great. Not one shark, not one weird sea creature around. Well. Except for Squilliam. Is that a weird name, considering? I thought about him today. Strange woods all smoky and misted on this island, and I thought of Will. Lost, and afraid, and... God, I hope he's not alone. He's always dreaming. Nightmares. I think about him. Once, I wanted to kiss him. And then, I only wanted to hold him to keep him from slipping into nightmares. Now... Maybe on my journey, I'll find him. Maybe I'll be strong enough by then to save my friend. Maybe I'll be able to keep him out of the dreams. Are we all just stuck in dreams? Can't I just pull him into this better one?

If this is a dream, I never want to wake up. If I do, what will that world be like? Will I be back on a dirty mattress somewhere in New York? Will I wake up from a binge, only to realize this has all been some dream of a half-dead brain? If I'm in a coma, just let me go. I want to stay here. I want to stay with my ocean. I want to be with my real friends. Real family. Not the people that made me. The ones that made me better.

In this place, I found something like peace. I am still like the ocean, though. I have storms. I have those days where everything is rough, and I can't stop destructive waves from crashing over my own head. But now I have an island to wash up on. I'm not stranded. And there, waiting for me... Love. Open arms. Real smiles. Real laughter.

I miss Mallory right now. I wish she could see Squilliam. But I know she's busy. Aren't pregnen pregge pregnant women always busy? Like... Making baby rooms... And going to lumaz classes? Learning how to do mom stuff? I don't know. Not like I'm having any kids. A little sister? I can deal with that. Don't tell Mallory. She can just call me Uncle Mo. I think it's about time that nickname stopped making me want to puke.

Aaaaand now I've changed my mind about having soup for dinner. The crew can eat that. I'll sneak away and fill up on moonbeams and pie. Ha.

[Morgan LaLuna]

There is a page, undated. On it is practice handwriting, some not very good at all, some passable, and a series of foreign phrases, so very carefully written:

Ni *mestathol? This particular line is scratched out.

Le i velethron e-gull nin.

Gi melin

Le melin


Melin --- Le, Gi?

The rest of the page is covered in doodles, and scribbles. A floating island, a swirl, a few stussies, a flower or two, and a skull and crossbones with googly eyes. More than one speck of ink is scattered across the page, as if in repeated rhythmic contact with a pen.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Friday, November 20 2020

Am I distracted? A little. But not in a bad way. My mind doesn't wander as much as it used to. Not where it doesn't need to go. It's not wallowing in itself. The thoughts that used to take over just sit in a corner, and they're all caught up in the new ones that keep them there.

I'm not sure how much I should visit Rhydin anymore. Home, sure. I will always return home, when I can. Rhydin is where home is. Sort of. It's how I get there. I should let my cell die. No more calls. No more texts. The important ones can reach me another way.

We're closing in on something big. Squilliam has been really twitchy, and keeps disappearing for hours. Maybe just hungry. The fish we give are just a snack for something that big, really. He lets me swim with him sometimes. I got to touch his head. He's really sweet, but I need to figure out what to do about the tentacles. He doesn't mean to, but the suckers leave marks when he touches me back. I wonder if he can be trained.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Saturday, November 21 2020

Okay, I'll admit it. I kinda fucked up. I spent hours looking at maps and charts to find the place the egg came from. I don't know if those things lay more than one. What if there are fish people down there? Merpeople and nymphs and... what if they're being controlled? I can't leave that to Mallory.

But I can't lie to her. I'll give her the information. Always.

There's one person I've been avoiding seeing. I tried to see him, once. But he's taken a vacation. I don't blame him. I basically did the same thing. Is he trying to find himself, too? I say I'll stop visiting so much...

I think it'll be nice to bring his next gift in person. I hope he won't be mad.

I couldn't even really say goodbye.

We're not far now, I think, from the place the old journal talks about. I don't know how dangerous it is, and I am maybe a little nervous. Am I bringing my crew to their deaths? At least one person made it out, right? Whoever wrote this must have seen what is there. That, or they're going off rumor, too. Or they're just assholes, and I'm headed straight to hell.

Is this where I get my affairs in order?

[Morgan LaLuna]

Tuesday, November 24 2020

He's still around. I thought it was just a fluke. Just a ghost to scare me. I thought he was gone with my brother, took him away again. This time, I hoped he did. They're made for worlds like these. Where it's so easy to disappear into instinct and blame the idiots that should have known better that to trust something designed to kill.

I guess I'm guilty of it too though, right?

How much should you trust a lioness... when you're the antelope?

[Morgan LaLuna]

Wednesday, November 25 2020

William! He's safe! A little funny in the head, but that's not strange. He's always a little off. It's one of the things I like best. It's like he's still dreaming, and we just get to be a part of it. Really, it was just a huge bonus to my night. The fight, and Mallory seeing my first win, and then Will. I told Muffin I was going to be staying on the ship, then grabbed Gwen and we all went onto the crow's nest and shared a bottle of liquor and a few blunts.

Nobody said anything about it, but there was this empty place with us. We all noticed it. We all tried to ignore it while we talked about nothing at all, and the first star to the left, and mermaids and krakens and being happy.

He wants to be happy. He yells about how he is happy, and I'm sorry I ever brought it up, because I'm not sure he is. He noticed the empty place way more, I think.

I took some pictures. These are things I like to remember.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Thursday, November 26 2020

Slept so much of the day, and then ate. And ate. Finished out the night watching movies with people...

I've never seen Mallory back away from anything. She called me. And I was ready to tear someone apart, if she asked. I know she was just trying to protect herself. Well... not herself. She's fucking indestructible.

I'll put myself between that little bean and a raging bull made of death and flames. I'll stab a hundred Steves, and two Blood Steves.

Lol.

[Morgan LaLuna]

December 1 2020

I haven't written in here for a while. Busy, busy. We had to lose a tail. Not sure how they found us, but they didn't last long. Thank god for that fog spell. Really. We're back on course, and we've slowed down. That storm never came close enough to bother us, so it was a small miracle. One that didn't hold up. I went to a masquerade celebration last night... And I wonder if it's the last time I'll see the isle. Had to come back to the ship for an emergency... Something was spotted out in the water that made people nervous. I tried to get some information, but the guy just kept mumbling prayers. He's resting in his bunk, and we're on high alert.

I was asked if I was going to do the All Ranks Tournament last night. I couldn't just say no. I couldn't say that this might be the last time I get to do something like this. How do you say something like that to a face as sweet as Eden's? How do you tell someone who cares that you're not even sure if you're going to be alive? Why am I being so negative? I'm honestly terrified. But I can't turn back. It could be the biggest haul this crew has ever seen. It could be what makes a lot of them rich enough to go home and live their lives with families and kids and all the money they could ever need for a nice little cottage by the ocean. Because the ocean will always call to them. They'll get a little boat and fish, or they'll just dangle their feet in it.

I have to be more positive. I may not make it to All Ranks... But I am determined to live through this. And pull through as many of my crew as I can. They're counting on me. Gwen is counting on me. I'm terrified. Pants-shittingly terrified.

But I'm going to do this.

For the people that matter.

And for myself.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Tuesday, December 8 2020

Been a few days. I survived! And more. Treasure isn't always gold and jewels and nice things to wear, is it? Sure, there was plenty of that... But a whole underwater society! Amazing. I can't wait to get to know them some more. All sorts of creatures down there I couldn't even dream up!

I am getting ready to celebrate my very first ever Christmas. Not just in RhyDin... like... ever. I mean, I was always surrounded by it, every year... And even got free food out of tons of those soup kitchens... But like. I have a tree. The best tree. I put some presents under it. The little one. Not the big one. There's snow, and lights, and cookies... A fireplace and everything. Mart loves the holiday, and his birthday is soon... I got him something I hope he likes. A couple of things. Something practical, and something cute, just like Mallory said. And a big bow. But it's like... almost a joke. Not even sure if I'll have the guts to pull it off.

The Isle... gave me something to think about. About memories. Not mine, his. How I don't have the ones he has, and it's... Maybe for the best, in some ways. But also, I am definitely a little jealous? No. I mean... Not jealous. But scared now. I won't know the things that... Ugh. Nope. Thinking about it is making me get all flustered again.

I don't hate it...

Thank god the ocean is cold tonight. I'm going swimming. Again.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Wednesday, December 9 2020

Holiday spirit taking over, I guess. I got a pretty sweet necklace with wolves on it from someone I don't even really know like that. She was very sweet, and I can't remember her name. I should probably figure it out if she's gonna do shit like bash boxes in my face. Guess I deserved it though, to be honest. I tried to peek at all her presents. Apparently, she made all of the pretty jewelry. I'd spend a bit of dosh for some pieces. Then again, I love the shinies. I'm bougie like that.

I'm technically breaking my own biggest rule. I brought Mart on board. As much as I want to pull him into my own bed, to curl up and tangle... I'm going to keep a promise I make the entire crew follow. I know Gwen won't mind if I give him her cabin for a few nights. She can sleep with me. Not like she doesn't do that already, right? I am going to teach her tonight how to make offerings at the altar, to make her healing spells stronger. To give her some sort of protection from the undead things we keep running across. I don't want some zombie cornering her and tearing her apart. I don't want anything to do that, obviously, but I see the fear on her face when they're mentioned. She's fought them before, but I don't think she's ever gotten over what she's seen.

------------------------------

It's the middle of the night, and I can't sleep. It's technically morning. Technically the next day. Gwen fell asleep already, and she's sprawled out comfortable as ever and I just crawled out of bed and all I can do is pace the cabin.

I think I'll meditate.

-----------------------------

Fuck, I suck at this. So I'll write.

There's a sea creature, little like a mermaid (merperson? Mercreature?) that's been following us. Squilliam (Euridice! Squilliam is a lady kraken!) already knows she's not allowed to eat or hurt her. She glows in the dark, bright and beautiful, and has fins on her head she can fan out when she gets really scared, or wants to look big and threatening. I don't think she understands my words, so next time I try, I'm going to try to see if a language spell works. Maybe we can communicate that way. She won't get close... and I don't blame her. I'm probably very strange to her, right? I think she's from very, very deep. Where the scary things are. Well. Scarier. Next round to the Emerald Islands I'm going to ask Perdix. She's the first one I met... I like her best.

I can't wait to stop off and let them meet Mart.

...

Fuck. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, before I have to get up in...

Ugh. Two hours.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Saturday, December 19 2020

We got to meet up with Cane. Looks like I wasn't the only one that heard the call of the sea. Only his call led him to rocky beaches and probably the best food. I'm happy for him, though! Jerk. Telling him about Me and Mart was fucking nerve wracking. But I'm glad I did. I got a weird vibe for a second, but he was probably just trying to figure out how the hell we happened. I think a lot of people wonder. Know what? Let them fucking wonder. Who cares? We're happy, and don't need to explain anything to anyone.

I did find out something that broke my heart... Mart remembers a time after me. After I die. I guess my brain can only go up to that time. Not that it remembers a whole hell of a lot, anyway. I had no idea. And all I can do is make the time we have count. On one hand, we have so much time together.

On the other hand, it's so fucking limited. And one day, I'm going to leave him alone. Again. And his heart will break all over. I hate it. Even thinking about him hurting is just... too much.

I'm overthinking again. Gonna crawl in bed and make the most of what time I have.

[Morgan LaLuna]

Friday, January 22, 2021

A whole new year. Busy as fuck, but... not gonna complain. I had my first real Xmas, and the best New Year's eve. Who would have thought I would be okay with just spending both quiet and away? RhyDin has lost its damn mind lately. Was it always like this? Was I just missing it? Part of it? I feel like I'm not as connected as I was. Like I walked away for five fucking minutes and came back and everyone is naked and on fire and freaking out. It just makes me want to go back and hide some more. I almost lost this journal. I'm sure one day I'll look back and remember this time in my life with a smile. All of this.

When I'm all old and gross.

So far this year I have:
Harbored a criminal
Punched someone right in the face, on purpose
played fashion guru
learned new things
talked to Malleus (!!!!!!!!!!)

This is going to be my year. I can feel it.